But I digress. Or rather I plan to digress - making this no longer a digression (except that this discussion of what constitutes a digression is surely a digression). Annnny how, ice cream, while certainly delicious and the star of my weekend, is not exactly what's on my mind today.
Today was sad. My grandmother went to see a doctor regarding a lump on her breast. I wasn't too worried since she is incredibly healthy, gets regular mammograms, and there is no history of breast cancer in our family. Nevertheless, finding a lump where there shouldn't be a lump is always scary. On top of that, I heard news of three separate deaths today, and even though I was not very close with any of these people, having death touch those around you is terrifying.
I'm not exactly scared of dying. Of course there are still so many things I want to do with my life - travel, have kids, become a certified sky diver, shave my head, eat a lot more ice cream . . . but for the most part, I've spent my 23 years here living an incredibly happy life. What scares me beyond measure is the thought of losing someone truly dear to me. When I think about something happening to my best friend, or my mom, or Caleb (or even my dog) I immediately become overwhelmed. Even the thought of a loss that great stops me from functioning properly. I honestly don't know how I would continue to breathe.
I lost my grandfather 2 1/2 years ago. He was almost 80 years old and had been in declining health for several years. And though I didn't expect to lose him so soon, I had subconsciously been preparing myself for his inevitable death. But it still hurt like hell. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't catch myself trying to remember things about him. I can't hear his voice any more, or really capture his scent, but I can still feel exactly what it was like to lean down and kiss his cheek when I would tell him goodbye. My neck strains from bending over, my chin is prickled by his beard, my hand feels the tough denim of his shirt. It's all still right there - as is the lump that is forming in my throat, even now, years later, as I write this.
That pain hasn't gone away, it has just incorporated itself into my life. I have adapted to it - moved it to the edges and learned to accept it as part of my reality. I am still the same person, I still do the same things, just sometimes I get sad when I think about the incredible man that is no longer a part of my life. I am a big believer in the resiliency of the human spirit - we are amazing, strong creatures, hell bent on survival and prosperity. But there is a blinding, all-consuming, heart-stopping pain that comes over me when I even think of losing some of the people in my life, and I don't think there is room in my existence for that kind of hurt. I think that kind of suffering would latch on to every fiber of my being and eat away at my core until I was only a shell of my former self. I have no doubt that I would carry on - I would go to work, and eventually even sleep, eat, and breathe with some kind of regularity again. But I think I would break, and I seriously doubt my own capability to heal.
Please allow me to apologize for what a huge downer this post has become. Like I said, today was sad. These are the kind of thoughts that have been running through my head all day, and it really is cathartic to get them down here. I promise that tomorrow will be much more up-beat. Thank you for listening.
I love you lovies, be well.
Amanda
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