Whenever I begin to write one of these posts I begin to doubt myself. I worry that I will come across sounding dumb or inarticulate, or maybe just horrible naïve and cliché. I am scared that I will be bad at expressing myself and not get my point across, or worse – my point won’t be particularly well-thought-through and I will wind up offending or simply disinterest someone who I would really admire and would want to impress. It’s just that the blogging world is really intimidating. On the style blogging front, there are so many beautiful women out there, putting together creative outfits, and capturing them in artsy photos in beautiful locations. And beyond the fashion world, things get even more scary. There are all these highly educated, intelligent, well-spoken people writing ingenious posts on everything from food to travel to feminism. And I’m just me. Trying to get my haphazard outfits and thoughts out there, partially for my own benefit, and in part to break into this amazing community and possibly make some friendships and connections. But it’s daunting. You all are just so freaking cool.
But I shall carry on.
Today, what’s on my mind (in part stemming from all that self-doubt I just referred to – hey, where is that ‘my butt looks awesome’ girl? I think she needs to come back and give this present self a good talking to) is independence, specifically female independence in the context of a relationship. I’m currently reading Gail Collins’ book “When Everything Changed” (a praise-gushing review will follow once I make my way through the 400+ pages) which is about the struggles and triumphs of the women’s rights movement from 1960 to today. It’s got me thinking. I’m one of those girls who has basically always been in a relationship. I “dated” (by too-young-to-drive high school standards) several different guys briefly in 9th and 10th grade, before getting into a 4 year relationship that spanned the end of high school and my first two years of college. Then I immediately jumped into another (partially long distant, on-and-off, and quite toxic) relationship for the final two years of college and the summer that followed. I was single for a grand total of 2 months before I started seeing THE boy. And while others out there may disagree, I don’t see this pattern as particularly detrimental to my overall development. I did all the things single girls do during the ‘off’ times in my former relationship, and I have always been a very strong-willed, self-aware kind of girl in the first place. I never felt that I needed to be in a relationship, I just always wound up “clicking” with people shortly after a previous connection “un-clicked”.
Annny-hoo, even though I think I am a perfectly capable, well-rounded young woman despite my constant non-single status, I have noticed certain trends that I think may stem from always having a significant other (specifically a male S.O.) in my life. Specifically, when I have never done something before, my first inclination is to ask someone to do it with me. Even if said person has no expertise and can offer nothing else but moral support in the situation, I still typically ask for help. But I’ve come to realize that this is sort-of silly (I mean it makes sense – but it isn’t necessary). I’m using another person (usually my boyfriend) as a security blanket – which in and of itself isn’t so bad, but the problem arises when I have to take the plunge and dive into any given unfamiliar situation on my own. I get freaked out. I begin to doubt myself (ah-hah! Maybe that’s why this whole blogging thing is so scary – I’m on my own out here). I worry that I will make a complete fool out of myself and not have any one to turn to and laugh with (which magically turns any embarrassing situation into a funny story/inside joke to share later). The thing is though, I have done plenty of scary, new things on my own by now (take my car to the mechanic, apply/interview/land a new job, travel to France, and start this blog – just to name a few of the most terrifying) and for the most part, things turned out just fine. I often make a fool out of myself (especially when calling someone I don’t know - if they call me, I’m fine, but if I’m the one doing the dialing, my tongue turns to gak [oooh gak – sweet 90’s reference – I tried to make a ‘gak hat’ on several occasions which always resulted in getting the green goo stuck in my hair and crying as my mom tried to get it out without chopping all my hair off]). But, I just wind up laughing at myself, and sometimes share the story with a friend or S.O. later, thus creating the same funny story/inside joke scenario.
More often than not, I discover that I’m completely capable of doing anything on my own. So, all the “security person” does is put off the inevitable – getting comfortable doing things solo. It is incredible to have people (be it friends, family, or a S.O.) to lean on for support when things get rough, but I’m going to try (a mid-year resolution of sorts) to be more discerning as to when I actually need support, and when I’m just a little nervous. It’s the difference between actual pain and mild discomfort. Being uncomfortable is good for me. It’s like working out – that slight ache means that I’m getting stronger. Mental note, go to the gym . . .
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