So I haven't talked to the boy in over 24 hours. This is a first. He's on a ski trip with a bunch of friends and has no signal. He borrowed a cell and called me when they got there, and again yesterday morning, but since then, zero communication. And I'm freaked. That sounds entirely irrational (at least I can admit that, and isn't that the first step in overcoming?) and I am sure that he is fine - with all limbs, and most importantly (to me, at least) our relationship intact. But I'm still freaked - like googling the signs of cheating (as if I don't know them), and listening to break-up songs on repeat freaked. Allow me to explain.
Before this boy, there was another boy (isn't that always the case?). One I loved very much. One who hurt me very often and very badly. A lapse in communication from this boy usually meant that the parts of him I so dearly wanted all to myself (namely his lips, penis, and heart) were being shared with another (or multiple other) girls. Thus, I began to equate silence with infidelity. And apparently, as much as I want to pretend I'm all whole and healed and healthy - those trust issues are still there. So no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm being irrational, no matter how desperately I want to believe that everything is fine, I still feel like the world is crumbling. It doesn't help that this has been a particularly difficult weekend - I got into a fender bender and busted a headlight, there was a death in the family, my roommate is out of town, and my mom isn't answering my calls . . . so it's just me, my dog, my quiet apartment (I finally shut off the break-up songs), and my silent cell phone. Did I mention that I'm freaked?
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